“Chuck Norris Facts”

by hun

I just came across the so-called “Chuck Norris Facts,” jokes about Mr. Norris’s extreme powers. It seems a wave of these jokes went by last year. Here are some of them:

  • Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  • Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
  • If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.”
  • Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  • Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  • Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash.
  • The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
  • A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  • Santa Claus was real, until he went down Chuck Norris’s chimney.
  • M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
  • Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
  • The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  • We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, “Please don’t kill me.” Too bad Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in magic.
  • Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life there.
  • The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  • The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type “Chuck Norris” into Google and hit “I’m Feeling Lucky!”.
  • Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse in the face, now we call it a giraffe.
  • Chuck Norris almost died once. The Grim Reaper is still recovering.
  • Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.
  • The dinosaurs gave Chuck Norris a bad look once. Once.
  • When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
  • A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
  • When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is Courage?” Chuck Norris handed in blank paper with only his name on it. He received an A+.
  • Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
  • Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back off.
  • Switzerland isn’t really neutral. They just haven’t figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.
  • Chuck Norris can divide by 0.

Chuck Norris’s comment on these jokes is online. There’s also a commercial with Chuck Norris, and one with Steven Segal.